Once upon a time (5 years ago), in a land that no longer exists (women.com), I had the pleasure (not) of moderating a message board called “Coming Out”. What a joke that was. Looked good on paper, I suppose, but whoever decided a “Coming Out” board would be a good idea in an only marginally lesbian/bi friendly women’s community didn’t ask any real lesbians.
It was rare for anyone to use that board to tell their coming out story. It was rare for anyone to ask for advice about coming out. And when people did post their stories or ask for advice, it was like talking to an empty room. Nobody (except me) was really listening. And, to put it bluntly, I’m not all that “Coming Out Friendly”. I tend to advise on the side of caution, especially when listening to a 16 year old girl who lives with homophobic parents or a married woman of 35 who THINKS she has a great husband who will understand. These are not the best living conditions in which to decide to “Come Out”.
I also am not hugely fond of making “Coming Out” a huge production. Why make people you care about feel any more uncomfortable than they need to feel right off the bat? You’re about to spring some pretty rough information on people, why not keep it low key in the beginning? What’s the real benefit to you to make a production? I understand not wanting to lie or pretend. I understand the whole “If they don’t support me then I don’t need them” feeling. I understand the need to be really loud in order to hide your own fear and discomfort at such a pronouncement. But really folks, low key has always worked pretty well for me. There’s time later for celebration and NOISE.
Regardless of how you came out, regardless of how you might still come out, celebrate the day. Regardless of how you have reacted to a coming out or how you might react to a coming out, celebrate the day. It isn’t easy, no matter how it’s done.
There are some interesting coming out stories on the HRC National Coming Out Day site. Check those out and don’t miss Tom – he has interesting advice to share.