February 2006

Several months ago a group of bloggers were talking about us/them situations.  Specifically about how people might make decisions about who you are and what you believe based on what they read on your blog and what they know about other people "like" you.  A specific situation that I shared was that people will come to my blog (or my board) and once they know I’m in a lesbian relationship, they will assume I support gay marriage because other gay folks they know do.  I don’t.

Koan very nicely emailed me and asked if I would mind explaining why I felt this way.  Of course I didn’t mind, I also never made time to explain, either.  Well here I am, about to attempt an explanation and also attempt to explain why someone else’s writing speaks for me in such a way that I often want to use her words, her sexist words, when discussing and debating gay marriage.  I am somewhat doubtful that this will help her understand what I said or why I said it.  I am also going to be very clear and say that it doesn’t matter to me whether it does clear the fog, or not.  I learned long ago that it is often impossible to bring people to an understanding.  We’re all individuals.  Something that makes perfect sense to me will never make sense to you.  That’s ok, that’s life.  Differences are always good.  (Oh, and no cracks from the peanut gallery about the 3 paragraph rule! Or else! hehehe)

I am not in support of gay marriage.  (I am not in support of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage either, though.)  I’m not out on the picket lines with the Christian Coalition or any other member of the far right (or middle America, for that matter), who is actively working to ban gay marriage.  I’m also not signing any petitions or waving any rainbow flags in support.  This is not my issue and I do not want to be used or have my relationship used either for or against marriage.  I have issues with marriage.

My issues with marriage have absolutely nothing to do with my 20+ year heterosexual marriage.  I had issues with the institution of marriage then, I just ignored those issues and got married anyway.  And stayed married.  As I grew up and grew older it became more difficult for me to ignore all of the issues I have with marriage.  And as I grew up and older and away from my now ex-husband, it became incredibly clear to me that I would not EVER get married AGAIN.  To anyone. 

I don’t really understand why anyone would, particularly any woman.  Except that culturally we view marriage as some magical bond between two people that everyone should want.  For me, that magic has absolutely nothing to do with a ceremony, religious or familial.  That magic has nothing to do with legal rights or finanical benefits.  That magic has nothing to do with a piece of paper or the way you’re treated in society when you tell people you are married. 

Marriage, the insitution, is something I can not support.  That doesn’t mean that I think bad thoughts about married couples.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t incredibly sad about missing my oldest daughter’s wedding.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t pleased as punch for my brother and sister in law when they got married a couple of years ago. 

When it comes to the gay fight for equal rights, I’m there ladies and gentleman.  I’m just not down with the idea that equal rights = marriage.  I think gay people (and those who support them) are hoping that once gays HAVE THE RIGHT TO MARRY then everything will be all rosy and bright and the scarey "right" will finally see that WE’RE JUST LIKE YOU!  Umm no. 

And this brings us to Twisty Faster and her awesome essay entitled Homos Need to Grow a Pair.  I’ve stumbled in and out of I Blame the Patriarchy for years (look at the date on the Essay in question!) and Twisty quite often says things that I agree with completely.  She also, occasionally, says things that I disagree with completely.  When I first read that particular entry about gays and marriage I wanted to jump up and down for joy.  Right on Twisty, right ON!  (If you have not taken the time to read the entire entry then you either should or you should just stop reading right here because the rest of this is really not going to make sense to you…)

Ever since I read that post, I’ve had an urge to say "Grow a pair!" every time I hear someone talk about wanting "gay marriage".  Obviously "Grow a pair" is not an argument.  I never suggested that one, tiny, sexist phrase was an argument or a phrase that would encourage anyone to come around to my way of thinking.  When I made that tiny little comment on Blogher a couple of days ago, in response to Grace’s post about Twisty Faster, I had no idea anyone would assume that was my entire argument.  Good grief! 

I did however know that there were women lurking who would take offense to the phrase "Grow a pair".  and if you look at my initial reply, you will see that what I said was "I want to say it" not that I do say it.  It is sexist.  But that is what made it stick in my head so long ago.  It is sexist and it was the perfect title for a post about marriage and the patriarchy and the incredibly obvious (to me) reasons why gay people should not be clamoring to join the club and why the conservative right ought to be clamoring to let us in.

No, "grow a pair" is not an argument, Koan.  I never said it was.  Yes, "grow a pair" is sexist.  Yes, it’s offensive.  But marriage is also sexist and also offensive – Koan said "if you can’t beat it, become it, is that it" – and "two wrongs don’t make a right" … exactly the point.

Gays are jumping all over themselves to win the right to marry because if we can’t beat ’em, become  ’em.  And no, two wrongs don’t make a right – so, ladies and gentlemen,  to paraphrase the great Twisty Faster – grow a pair and refuse to cave to the patriarchy, refuse to support the oppression and stop looking for world-wide validation of your relationships. 

**edited on 2/11/06 to include direct links to comments in the original discussion on Blogher**

Technorati Tags: gaymarriage, marriage, patriarchy, usthem,