Family Funk

A family of inventors

1 Comment / Family Funk, Kid Talk /

Last night, after the last phone call, Liz asked me to print the report that she had emailed to me. Unfortunately, she hadn’t emailed a report to me. So, her brother helped her and the report appeared in my inbox.

As I was saving it, I realized that I’m not used to having to print out reports for kids anymore. My “school stuff” folder is no longer on my desktop. Instead, it’s tucked into the “stuff” folder on my desktop.

As I was trying to figure out where to save this thing and missing Michelle (the child who I was forever printing reports for) Liz looked over my shoulder and yelled….

Hey! I invented that “stuff”.

TW and I looked at her blankly and then I realized, my mouse was over the “stuff” folder and I started to laugh.

Liz said…

I did! I invented that idea and made a stuff folder for my desktop.

The kid takes after her mother – the woman who invented fleas when she was a 10 year old.

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Shit Freezes

3 Comments / Family Funk, Pets /

A few nights ago, Jake wanted to go outside so I hooked him to his chain and nudged him out the door. I sat on the hope chest in the bedroom with my book while he “went”. Time passes. I look up from my book, wondering why he hasn’t been scratching at the door or hasn’t nudged it open to come back inside.

He’s sitting on the ground with his left paw on the bottom step, just looking at me through the door.

I patted my leg, indicating he should come up the step and push the door open. He didn’t move.

I called him, which is idiotic since he’s deaf. He’s also almost blind so I doubt he could read my lips. But whatever. He just sat there.

I stood up, yes I was cursing. I opened the door. He stood up but did not make a move to come in. I admit it, I yelled at him to come in. He tensed like he was going to and then he sat back down. On the ground.

WTF? Is he stuck? What could he be stuck on?

I look behind him and sure enough, he’s stuck alright. Not wrapped around a pole or the slide, which is common behavior when it’s not freaking freezing. Instead, his chain is stuck behind…

a frozen piece of dog poop.

I put a foot on the first step and tug at his chain. It doesn’t budge.

I curse again and put a second foot on the very cold, frozen, slippery, disgusting step and yank that freaking chain as hard as I can.

The frozen poop flies off the ground, hits the dog in the ass and the dog bolts into the house.

He stops. He sits. He looks up at me, completely defeated.

Sigh.

I know how he feels.

Shit freezes here.

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A Family Heirloom

4 Comments / Family Funk, Memories /

Our house is full of boxes – again. We never got completely unpacked and here we are with tons of boxes from TW’s mother and sister. Boxes that were supposed to be here temporarily. Boxes that are labeled “immediately” but contain items I don’t believe they’ve used in three years or will ever use again.

There are many things that are “missing” – really important things like birth certificates, divorce decrees, medication, that special thingy folks put on the toilet to help disabled folks pull themselves up from the seated position, needles (as in the hypodermic type.) Things that really should have been in boxes clearly labeled for easy access as soon as they arrived here.

Alas. “Should have” doesn’t help us find those important things, does it? I’ve resigned myself to the fact that all of the important stuff is in the garage in boxes marked “long term” and I’m just going about my business and not worrying about what we have to buy, order or do without.

Except, the mini-Medtronic insulin pump died. This means TW is having to inject insulin into her mother’s body with real live needles until the new pump arrives. TW has been using her long ass B-12 needles because that’s all we have around here.

Suddenly TW’s mother says “there’s a box labeled cosmetics” (I mumbled to myself THREE boxes labeled cosmetics and TWO are in the garage) “that is filled with stuff from under the bathroom sink and needles might be in there.”

TW was excited by this idea, her long ass B-12 needles weren’t exactly doing the trick plus she’s not going to have long ass B-12 needles when she needs to give herself a B-12 (which is probably any moment now, by the way.) So she heads into the back bedroom and gleefully rips open the box marked “cosmetics” – there are no cosmetics in the box, as far as I can tell.

However….

TW says, “we can look at our crotches with any number of hand mirrors!” and she pulls out four of those suckers (who needs four hand mirrors?) As I’m laughing my ass off… she gets extra excited and she says….

“This is the mirror I used the first time I ever looked at my crotch!”

We’re keeping that one.

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Dogs do bury things, who knew?

3 Comments / Animal Issues, Family Funk /

I’ve had a lot of dogs in my time but I’ve never had one that buried stuff. I’ve had dogs that chew. I’ve had dogs that dig. I’ve had dogs that demolish everything in their path. But no dogs have ever buried anything in my yard. I really thought this was some tall tale only seen in cartoons and read about in books.

Today I saw a dog bury something and it was funny as HELL.

The dogs were wound up today. The little dog got angry at the meter reader and could not stop barking. This caused Jake to bark. From there, they just barked at the snow or their own shadows or the oxygen tank or whatever. It was annoying.

I finally split them up because I could not take it any longer.

During their separation, TW and her mother had lunch. Jake was locked in the back of the house with me but the little dog was in the front of the house. Jake did not want to be with me because I do not eat. So Jake barked and whined and tried to knock the gate over. TW took pity on him and tossed him a couple of short rib bones. He wasn’t interested. He wanted to be in the front of the house with her.

The little dog, however, was very interested in those bones and tried to knock the gate over from the other direction to get to the bones.

Eventually, TW removed the gate and tried to urge the little dog out the back door to use the bathroom. Jake ran to the front of the house, little dog grabbed a bone and ran to the back. TW let the little dog out and he stood there chewing on his bone rather than using the bathroom.

After awhile, he buried the bone in the snow. But when he saw us all watching him, including Jake, he unburied it and started chewing on it again. Then, he buried it and TW finally convinced him to use the bathroom and come in.

Fast forward a few hours and the balmy 32 degrees has caused the 6″ of snow on the slide to slip down onto the ground in one glorious long slab of snow. Right on top of where little dog buried his bone.

Little dog is not happy about this development. There’s to much snow for him to dig it back out. He just stands there and looks at the spot where he buried the bone… and barks. While I stand in the house and laugh at him.

Dogs do bury things, who knew? Read More »

Snow is bad

2 Comments / Christmas, Family Funk, Kid Talk /

After the kids decorated their cookies, they put on their cold weather gear and went outside to make a snowman… or something. It was blissfully quiet in the house for about five minutes…

Then Michelle came in, because she was freezing. TW gave her gloves that had holes in them and the snow isn’t good for snowmen and there was a fight and those little kids are rabid.

Liz comes in next, crying because JOSEPH is EVIL.

Chris came in next and informed us he lost his shoe in the snow and ran around in his sock until RJ found his shoe.

RJ and Prince J came in… smiling…

Which leads me to believe they are the two heartiest of our children and will survive world war III if it occurs. The other three, wimps – all of ’em. (Not that you saw ME out there in that cold, wet, white stuff. I hate it out there.)

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Last year’s present, this year

5 Comments / Christmas, Family Funk /

I’ve been lusting after the inflatable Santa with flamingo reindeers forever. Last year, Bealls (Florida’s Department Store, wahhhhh) put them on sale. Seriously on sale. And TW surprised me by ordering one. Except she accidentally ordered two. I didn’t open either box. Christmas was finished, it made no sense to open the box(es) just to set it up AFTER Christmas.

When we moved to Illinois, we tossed both boxes onto the truck and I sort of forgot about them for awhile. As it got colder and colder and the snow got deeper and deeper, I started thinking more about those inflatable flamingos. I was really happy to carry one of the boxes into the house when I brought the rest of the Christmas decorations into the house over the weekend.

I thought we might get my flamingos inflated over the weekend, but we didn’t. I thought we might get them inflated yesterday, but another snowstorm hit so we didn’t.

Tonight, the little kids decorated the tree and the house and it was havoc. I hid in the back room for awhile because it was just too crazy and I really was trying to get a wee bit more work done. When I came out, TW had inflated last year’s gift on the front porch.

The Flamingo-Deer don't look pleased

I love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.

We need two more long extension cords so we can put them both on the front lawn, not the front porch.

TW always knows the perfect gift – and when to give it.

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Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy

2 Comments / Christmas, Family Funk, Friends & Family /

This afternoon, while rebooting, I went to the back room and stood at the doors looking at what little bit of sun shines on us here in Glenview. TW’s sister called and she went into the office to talk to her. Suddenly, I hear some other voice. And TW talking to this other voice. And I start thinking, “what are the kids doing here???” Then I hear TW call my name. I come out and I realize it isn’t the kids, it’s JOY!

I grabbed the dog from TW who was still talking to her sister, and then invited Joy into the house. Joy always comes bearing gifts – first my birthday gifts (plus just because gifts for TW) and now shiny silver wrapped box… The woman is TOO much.

I sat her down in my chair, took the box and put it in the laundry room, and we chatted about life and work and stuff. Joy suggested I might want to open the gift before Christmas, because she thought it might be really useful now. I ignored her and kept talking about my life and work and stuff.

TW hung up on her sister and Joy again suggested we might want to open the Christmas gift now. So, I handed the gift to TW and grabbed my camera.

A space heater! I love that woman!

A space heater. OMG! Just what we needed! How did she know (haha possibly because she has one and it’s the only thing that keeps her from freezing at her desk while she works so hard at BlogHer.com?) Seriously. We didn’t have one. We’ve talked about getting one but we’re on a budget and the budget just got significantly CUT so we’re just sitting here freezing most of the time.

As soon as Joy left, I opened the heater, plugged it in and OMG it works. It’s almost warm in here. Actually it is warm in here except for the occasional breeze that blows in from somewhere in this room (probably the floors, hahaha.)

TW suggested I put it in the bedroom for awhile to take the chill off so it will be warm when we quit working and head to bed with books. I told her I would but first I’m carrying it to the family room when we watch Survivor. This thing is AWESOME.

Joy, you shouldn’t have. But dang woman, you do know how to give the right gift at the right time!

Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Read More »